Pace on Earth, American Style

While once fairly regular in church attendance, President Obama now has little occasion to join others at church services. He prefers to worship in private, it is said in large part to spare others the “disruption” of his attendance.

I should think so.

First of course, the church would have to be searched and swept from top to bottom, and the priest or pastor and lay leaders vetted by the FBI.

Then there is the problem of the other worshipers. Who knows who might be lurking in the congregation? It might be tough to spot an Islamic terrorist in a crowd of American Southern Baptists or Roman Catholics.

The terrorists are very clever. It is reported that there are training camps in Afghanistan where, at this moment, Islam fanatics are being taught to sing Amazing Grace, sign themselves with the cross and genuflect.

And as you or I, ordinary citizens are at daily risk from the terrorists swarming America, imagine the threat to the president.

Homeland Security would insist that worshipers arrive to the church parking lot at least two hours prior to the service, and then proceed to the church door no less than forty- five minutes prior to the service, with documents in hand.

“Please remove your shoes and have your baptismal certificates out and ready for inspection.”

Again, it would be unthinkable that parishioners, choir members and all the other possible threats not be subject to the full body scan, pat down and – if necessary – strip search, although like airline pilots, pastors would probably get an expedited clearance.

I mean, what kind of signal would it send to the American people if the president were seen not to fully appreciate the dangers and set the proper example?

“What’s that your wearing ma’m? It looks kind of foreign.”

“It’s a choir robe.”

“Right. Step over here.”

Then there is the problem of the Host, should there be a communion or mass. Exceptions are dangerous. We can’t let our guard down one moment. It would almost certainly be necessary to national security that the wine and wafer or bread be brought into the church clearly visible in plastic bags, 500 ml of liquid to the plastic bottle.

“What’s this, padre?”

“Communion wine.”

“Right. And that?”

“It’s a chalice.”

“It’s metal.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Sorry, we’ll have to confiscate that. Could be used as a weapon.”

And of course a cross for the procession would be absolutely out of the question. I mean, talk about a weapon.

Now, you may think I’m being facetious. Not a bit. If aircraft are targets for Islamic fanatics, it’s only a matter of time until they start to target Christian churches. It’s only logical.

And by that same logic, it has already been proposed that these security measures and the body scanners and staff and budget that go with them be introduced in railway, bus terminals and subway stations.

The scanners are sold at about $500,000 each by a company represented by the former head of Homeland Security.

A few days ago, it took really bad weather to bring the northeast to a standstill. But with constant vigilance and an absolute determination to crush the ever expanding network of terrorists in the United States now infiltrating our cub scouts, senior citizens and churches that welcome anybody (for God’s sake !!), we can do that every day, and all do our part to keep Americans safe in the homeland, while we keep blasting apart villages of mud huts in Afghanistan.

Peace on earth, American style.